Lets get back on this IVF train...

Hi all,

Apologies for the radio silence but I needed sometime to myself as the date of our positive test came around in March and it hit me a little again. Also we have had this issue with the fun Corona Virus so work has a bit manic and leaves little time to update on here.

So since I last wrote we have had some amazing news!

We were told we would need to be waiting 9-12 months for a suitable egg donor to come along. Due tothe shortage and then adding in all the characteristcs we asked for.

Well, we actually only had to wait 2 months as we had a call 2 weeks ago explaining they had an egg donor who was perfect for us. She has donated twice before and last July she provided 20 eggs. Both donations gave the parents a baby which is so exciting!

She matched our characteristics and more and we just couldnt be happier. Sadly with the Corona Virus putting a hault on everyones IVF plans we hope we can just get the eggs out, fertilised and on ice ASAP before they get us on lockdown.

But with thesebeing uncertain times we will have to wait and see and just cross our fingers.

What a sh*tty year

Well the title says it all, it’s been the worst year of my life (and I’ve had some bad ones in my 37 of being on this planet!)

Since I last wrote we’ve had some tough days and things happen.

Here’s the list:

• My hormone levels were too high to do a round of IVF. My follicles decided to be arseholes and grow far to big far to soon in my cycle, cancelling the hope of beginning again. To try and level out my hormone levels and stop the follicles from growing they put me on the contraceptive pill which then had the below effect...

• I’m currently signed off work with anxiety and depression. It turns out stuffing what happened to our baby to the back of my mind and slapping a fake “everything’s fine and I’m strong” smile on my face doesn’t work AND has repercussions. And then with the Pill and our due date approaching added in, it made my anxiety disorder spike! BIG THUMBS UP! Basically it makes you have a nervous breakdown half hour before you’re due to take your injections for another round of IVF. This stopped us going forward as I just couldn’t face it. all the fears and anxieties hit me in one big wave and I broke.

• Our due date arrived. One of the hardest days and one that I will never be able to forget. Steven kindly suggested a weekend away in a cottage and it helped. But not a minute went by (and doesn’t everyday) where I didnt think of what we could have right now.

• After a month of getting ready, and mentally sure this is right, we went back to the clinic and find out my follicles aren’t playing ball again. So back on the old contraceptive pill to hope they level out again so we can try. I'm willing to go mental and anxious (the worst feeling I’ve ever dealt with) to get our one child.

Moving forward...

What I know has happened this year is my faith in having a baby has suffered and dwindled, the knowledge that I seem to have the worst luck and I’m officially fucked from the waist down, has strengthened. But my desire and determination for a small one, through it all, has quadrupled.

I can’t image my life without mini me and Steven . The thought of it not is too painful to let in. So, it’s time to get positive and motivated to make this come true. Before 2020 is up we’ll have had some good news for one. Because , let’s be honest, it’s about time some cake our way!

Fear

Its nearly a year ago that we start our IVF journey the first time.

From that dreaded day 5 months ago we knew we’d have to start again to get the family we want.

So now it’s D-day. the day where we go in and start all the process again. Today is just the scan to see if they think it’s all ok to go ahead (I did this in August with the NHS as they requested but now they want me to have one with them for

some reason- MONEY.) and then we go over the plan of action. The protocol.

We’ve known this is happening for months. I’ve started at my IVF fund spreadsheet, changing the cost and amount out and amounts in from over and over again. I haven’t felt much excitement towards it. I have felt Nothing but fear. fear that this just is it for us. Just because we’ve fallen pregnant before doesn’t mean it’ll happen again. Thoughts flowing round my head constantly, “we might not get enough eggs this time“, “what if we get none?”, “what if we get them but they dont fertilise?”, “Stevens sperm might not be up to scratch”, “what if there’s Endo or something there again?”. it never ends up in my head.

It shouldn’t be harder for us but it really feels like it is. We’ve spent days arguing about money and how we’re not able to afford our weekly food shop as we’re broke until Tuesday next week and how due to our boiler, washer and oven dying we owe for that, making each month and IVF saving seem like a mountain to climb. I don’t want our relationship to suffer or fail due to this next round, but I can see why peoples do. That’s my biggest fear of all, losing my rock and world. He’s just as stressed over this as me and I can tell, just this time I’m getting snappy at him as well.

So, now Im lying here in bed and I feel like I want to just sleep forever. I don’t want to get to our test day and see just one line, or hear the words from the nurse on the other end of the phone “yep it’s negative”. I want to have that joy and shock that knowing we’ll be a family of 5 (including the furries) this time next year. Tears are rolling down my cheeks with all this, tears I’ve held in as I don’t let them show for this subject. It feels like were both scraping And saving over £8,000 to be given bad news. My luck is bad and not the best ever and I just need something to change. Please let this be it. Please! Hope, please be with me and daddy and make sure it’s not going to be a scary time. just not sure after this year how I’m going to get the strength to do this all again.