What a sh*tty year

Well the title says it all, it’s been the worst year of my life (and I’ve had some bad ones in my 37 of being on this planet!)

Since I last wrote we’ve had some tough days and things happen.

Here’s the list:

• My hormone levels were too high to do a round of IVF. My follicles decided to be arseholes and grow far to big far to soon in my cycle, cancelling the hope of beginning again. To try and level out my hormone levels and stop the follicles from growing they put me on the contraceptive pill which then had the below effect...

• I’m currently signed off work with anxiety and depression. It turns out stuffing what happened to our baby to the back of my mind and slapping a fake “everything’s fine and I’m strong” smile on my face doesn’t work AND has repercussions. And then with the Pill and our due date approaching added in, it made my anxiety disorder spike! BIG THUMBS UP! Basically it makes you have a nervous breakdown half hour before you’re due to take your injections for another round of IVF. This stopped us going forward as I just couldn’t face it. all the fears and anxieties hit me in one big wave and I broke.

• Our due date arrived. One of the hardest days and one that I will never be able to forget. Steven kindly suggested a weekend away in a cottage and it helped. But not a minute went by (and doesn’t everyday) where I didnt think of what we could have right now.

• After a month of getting ready, and mentally sure this is right, we went back to the clinic and find out my follicles aren’t playing ball again. So back on the old contraceptive pill to hope they level out again so we can try. I'm willing to go mental and anxious (the worst feeling I’ve ever dealt with) to get our one child.

Moving forward...

What I know has happened this year is my faith in having a baby has suffered and dwindled, the knowledge that I seem to have the worst luck and I’m officially fucked from the waist down, has strengthened. But my desire and determination for a small one, through it all, has quadrupled.

I can’t image my life without mini me and Steven . The thought of it not is too painful to let in. So, it’s time to get positive and motivated to make this come true. Before 2020 is up we’ll have had some good news for one. Because , let’s be honest, it’s about time some cake our way!