Things that, perhaps, aren’t the best thing to say to people doing donor egg IVF.

AFTERNOON ALL!

Today I just thought I’d throw some of the common responses to us saying we’re doing donor egg IVF.

The decision to do this type of IVF wasn’t a small one but to us it was an extremely easy one. To others it’s a strange option, as they don’t understand why or what it involves so just say things which they don’t really get adds to our mental worries especially when you have had enough IVF and infertility issues. I’m sure all you fellow infertile lovelies have experienced this... throw some of your own annoying questions below.

I have constant concerns that it’s not my genetics or family traits or what if we don’t bond?!! I know these are stupid thoughts and baby will be in me and ours etc. but hearing people say this pulls the worries forward and grow.

I would love to have a pregnancy where people just jump and shout and celebrate without all these questions coming out of peoples mouths adding to the fear and anxiety I already have. I would rather feel the joy and excitement thanks!!

People usually say this first when you say you are infertile. They need to realise that adoption isn’t an easy way to get a child. It’s a lengthy, emotionally draining and hard process- just like doing IVF.

I’ve had friends who have waited years and gone through hell to get a family this way. And at the end of this process sadly these children came from hard situations and this has caused mental and health issues as well, so this is something else to consider. Nobody wants to be that person, saying no to adoption due to the difficulties, but you need to think of thyis all sensibly and strongly. At the end of the day your reasons are your reasons and nobody elses business.

Sadly I can relax as much as possible but to get pregnant naturally is a definate no. If we did get pregnant naturally its a high chance it would be eptopic and thats dangerous and would end in seruous surgery.

Constantly being told “relax and it’ll happen naturally” breaks me each time I hear the words come from peoples mouths. I smile and crack on but it reminds me I can’t have what I want that easily and it truly makes me feel like a failure everyday.

I know others going through infertility are screaming “please stop!” internally when they hear this too. It's a common reaction.

The other question that pops up on a regular basis is about us carrying on using my eggss. Don’t you think if I could I would?!! Also the thought we both instantly had was, people wont see baby as ours, will see/treat them differently or don't agree.

But when we spent near £8k on just getting one egg and both egg collections we got 5 and 3 (which then went to 2 and 1 when fertilised) its just not worth it. Which then reminds me, I can’t have my own child and also Infertile as fuck. (Bloody endo and blocked tubes!!).

At the end of the day, all questions with a slight negative undertone makes this process and jounrey feel more negative and controversal. All we want is love and support and peoples smiles.

So in the nicest possible way, with a smile and laughter, please stop!

We’re already worrying about every little thing we’re going to have to go through with IVF and don’t need extra thoughts and upset.

Just hug us.

Be over excited to get us positive and excited.

Dance about. A

nd just be supportive! Xx #ivf #endo #eggdonor #ivfround4

By the hairs of my Chinny Chin Chin

Tis isolation is making me notice more about myself physically than ever before. I seem to be really having time to look in the mirror and be more self critical than ever!! It's not good!

So I have the obvious things- roots, bad nails, needing a haircut, getting tubby from the tons of cake and "treats" etc.

But the one thing i have noticed and obsessed about more is the hair/fuzz on my face since we started IVF and all the hormones. When i was pregnant this happened too! Well its just got worse and wont bugger off!

I have plucked, tugged and ignored but no more! One thing this Corona has given me is time to look at ways to get rid of this bearded lady image in my head.

And today I got it. A fuzz remover for ladies. I mean its advertised as "handbag size" and made me wonder, who buzzes their face and then it grows so fast the next day they need to carry it everywhere?! haha but hey ill give it a go.

I went for the Binefia Rechargeable Facial Hair remover. It was £17.99 and with mixed reviews, but all reviews are mixed so i gave it a whirl. SO first go... I mean i can feel stubbly bits and might need another going over but i feel smoother and less like my other half!

I have fears though.. what if they grow back thick and dark? I know its just trimmed them back so this shouldnt but WHAT IF IT DOES!? I'll look like a goat!? Oh god or my old teacher with a dark curl on the chin.

Any way, the more I have read into the cause the more I see that woman shouldnt ignore these hairs on their face. Its actually a good indecator that you have infertility issues. Due to all the hormone imbalancing or working more this is a symptom to look out for (like us ladies dont have enough self consious things to look out for and feel shit about!?)

IVF has made me look 10 years older, feel it too, and feel so un attractive to my other half or just for me. I have never had confidence in myself but when i made an effort I used to feel like it was kinda worth it and have a ping of self love. Now,

nothing. I dont feel in the slightest attractive and I want this to be sorted asap or at least all this IVF, baby loss, and fuck load of hormones to be worth it.

SO, I will update on my billy goat beard in a few days or a week and let you know if

I am now changing my name to Harold and going to tell Steven he is now with a sexy man! ;)

Counting, Cleaning and Corona

Coronavirus.... urgh an OCD Sufferers hell!

I’ve suffered with OCD since I was 10.

The scary thing was, back then nobody knew a great deal about OCD and sadly at that age I thought I would be strapped into a white jacket and shipped to a mental institution if I told anyone what I was going through.

After finally breaking down to my Mum, going to the doctors, a therapist and then hypnotherapist, I got it under control. I also think coming out of adolescence had a hand in it.

Sadly after going through some of the hardest of events recently in my life, which have left me emotionally and mentally broken, I have been told my firm friend OCD is back for vengeance. This time it is more the world controlling worry than time consuming “rituals” that is dragging me down into a hole everyday.

I have a major “worry” about germs, dirt and grossness, it’s always been there and bleach is a firm friend and fear at the same time (worrying about getting it in my eyes, mouth, burning my skin or breathing it in and damaging my lungs.... yep its a thrill a minute with this chick right here! God my boyfriends so lucky!)

I know many people claim to have ‘OCD ways’ and when I hear people say things like “oh I have OCD, I have to have my desk just so”, it really pisses me off.

I know it shouldn’t but if they knew the time, pain, distress and misery this gives us true sufferers every moment of the day, they wouldn’t say that.

For example when I was 10 to about 16, I used to clean my teeth but I would have to have a happy thought from the sink to the towel otherwise I feared my family would die. If I failed to do so, I had to start all over again.

The longest it took me, at the worst, was 7 hours.

I’m not exaggerating.

Or how about that every door handle I walked past I had to touch and do a big swallow with a good thought in my head or again I’d have to go back and touch it. Thinking of an excuse if I was in view of anyone was embarrassing and annoying. I thought I was hiding it so well from my mum and dad thinking that they didn’t know I was walking back and forth, scared and panicking every day. But they did and they were so upset not understanding why and what was going on. So when these people say it, yeah it gets my goat!

Anyway I digress.. so the germ part of my OCD is one part that has always been there like a shadow in my consciousness. I avoid emptying the kitchen bin, I hate dirty dish water and my worst one, raw meat! That’s just some of it. If you’re close to me you’ll have noticed me washing my hands just watching someone handling something smelly or dirty. I will wash my hands until they bleed and as my other half describes them, “they’re rough as a badgers arse” (don’t know where he gets this reference from... not sure I want to know. 😂).

Everyday is hard, I clean surfaces constantly, and then once they’re clean, I’ll clean my hands due to chemicals and then the thought they might go in my mouth (You exhausted yet? Try living it everyday!).

So imagine how exhausting, pre-planned and envisaged each moment is and then times it by 1000. So now that this corona virus is around my OCD is in over drive. Not just the physical side but the panic and worry. I’ve sat in front of the news and started shaking, I’ve read papers and started to have major panics due to the fear and over thought of future we face with this bug.

The thought of it over me and not keeping clean OR the fact I can’t get products from the shop has had me close to breakdown stage it feels. I basically get to the point that I can’t breath and I’m consumed.

I have to travel to London on the train for work and the thought of sitting on the seat has me feeling like scrubbing my entire body clean. I’ve got to the point where I was feeling like refusing to go in due to my fear. It’s exhausting.

So with the next coming months of this crisis I feel I’m going to be battling two crisis. Two for the price of one!!!

HOW LUCKY AM I!

I’ve grown to accept this fear and “quirk” and I don’t always chose to let others know as, well they don’t need to know. I’ll never deny I have it or be afraid or ashamed to talk about it as I really believe it’s part of mental health people don’t really understand and it’s a bit of a “fashion trend” to have l, which needs to stop.

If people have seen programmes on it it’s to the extreme where people hoard bottles of their own waste or collect old newspapers and can’t move in there house or avoid the cracks in the pavement.

People need to know the middle ground of OCD. The people who walk around you everyday, acting normal but inside dying as they know they might come to a situation where it’s going to take all their strength and all their time to get passed a battle mentally.

Basically this makes me me and if we look for the silver lining, I’m never going to be a smelly person or have a messy or unhygienic house but I am in an invisible prison of fear each and every moment of my day.