Fear

Its nearly a year ago that we start our IVF journey the first time.

From that dreaded day 5 months ago we knew we’d have to start again to get the family we want.

So now it’s D-day. the day where we go in and start all the process again. Today is just the scan to see if they think it’s all ok to go ahead (I did this in August with the NHS as they requested but now they want me to have one with them for

some reason- MONEY.) and then we go over the plan of action. The protocol.

We’ve known this is happening for months. I’ve started at my IVF fund spreadsheet, changing the cost and amount out and amounts in from over and over again. I haven’t felt much excitement towards it. I have felt Nothing but fear. fear that this just is it for us. Just because we’ve fallen pregnant before doesn’t mean it’ll happen again. Thoughts flowing round my head constantly, “we might not get enough eggs this time“, “what if we get none?”, “what if we get them but they dont fertilise?”, “Stevens sperm might not be up to scratch”, “what if there’s Endo or something there again?”. it never ends up in my head.

It shouldn’t be harder for us but it really feels like it is. We’ve spent days arguing about money and how we’re not able to afford our weekly food shop as we’re broke until Tuesday next week and how due to our boiler, washer and oven dying we owe for that, making each month and IVF saving seem like a mountain to climb. I don’t want our relationship to suffer or fail due to this next round, but I can see why peoples do. That’s my biggest fear of all, losing my rock and world. He’s just as stressed over this as me and I can tell, just this time I’m getting snappy at him as well.

So, now Im lying here in bed and I feel like I want to just sleep forever. I don’t want to get to our test day and see just one line, or hear the words from the nurse on the other end of the phone “yep it’s negative”. I want to have that joy and shock that knowing we’ll be a family of 5 (including the furries) this time next year. Tears are rolling down my cheeks with all this, tears I’ve held in as I don’t let them show for this subject. It feels like were both scraping And saving over £8,000 to be given bad news. My luck is bad and not the best ever and I just need something to change. Please let this be it. Please! Hope, please be with me and daddy and make sure it’s not going to be a scary time. just not sure after this year how I’m going to get the strength to do this all again.