Pins and needles

Consultation for our next round of IVF, since we lost Hope, is booked in. This time we’re having to fork out the money ourselves as we’ve used our 2 free NHS rounds.

So this is happening again... we’re going to do this!

We went in to talk about payment and cost, I honestly don’t know how the staff at fertility clinics don’t blush or get embarrassed when they hand you the pricing sheet. It’s insanely expensive and we‘re going to live of beans on toast and instant noodles (when I say we I obviously mean my darling man, as I have to stick to my pregnancy diet!) for a year to pay for it.

So many woman have to go through this each year in desperation for that one thing to make their family and themselves complete. As an infertile woman I already feel guilty, upset, frustration, jealousy, depression and, to be honest, the feeling of not being a complete woman due to not being able to produce a child. The one thing we spend our teenage years fearing will happen will now never appear without assistance, oh and £7000!!

The appointment is booked for end of August and many have asked “why so soon?”. One is with my endo as I’m on a clock with it growing back, and secondly, our fertility Clinic has offered us an option of a monthly payment plan of 0% finance if we booked immediately. They only gave this to us as a “gesture of good will” due to being with them before and because of the situation we’ve been told though. Now in my head I’m going “what a fucking bunch of smarmy nonsense and sales drivel. We should just go else where! how can they be so cold and business like about something so sensitive?” but in my desperation to be a mum and family brain I’m going, “they got us pregnant before, we know it here, they’re close to work so it can happen sooner and easier.” It’s a war in your head and on your emotions it’s another level. I feel sick with the price we’re having to pay and every day I’m counting my pennies and looking at our savings spreadsheet to see what we can putaway as we might get more than 1 egg and have to freeze and go again. The stress and different levels of worry and uncertainty IVF causes is hard to explain. We had it without paying before and it was enough stress to tear people apart but now we’re paying it’s even more petrifying.

I know each stage and health concern we are going to have to go through, like the back of my hand and knowing we’re having to do it all again puts a giant knot in my stomach. The injections, the hormones, flushes, temper rages, crying spells, sickness, fatigue, chances of OHSS after egg collection, the painful and constant internal scans (painful due to my endo). And then the final stage of transfer where you sit with your legs up, bladder painfully full and then they insert that one egg back in the hope that after the 2 most agonising and impatient weeks of your life you’ll pee on a stick and have 2 lines! In my two week waits I’ve dreamt of being knocked out for the time as it’s TORTURE!

I’ve got 7 days holiday left and that’s for the 2 week waiting time. Another down of IVF, you have to rest, stay calm and not do any lifting or running around. Working and IVF are not an easy mix as you are constantly having to lie to colleagues to why your out again and off at lunches (I constantly work through my lunch and there for people) which you use for scans and appointments. For something you need to be calm for, it’s a bugger for the worry. Sigh!

So let’s get the accupunture started, avocados and heat hot smoothies down the hatch and get Uterus ready for the full on poking and prodding to come. Hx