Not a happy Christmas

I don’t know how to start this post. For once I don’t want to talk, I want to be silent and just cry. But I want to be honest like I’ve tried to be with my posts so far so here it is.

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Yesterday was our official test day. It was negative 😔. Christmas Day I was cramping and Wednesday I started to bleed. I feel lost. (Even crying in the middle of PC world).

People have said through the cycle “what if it’s negative?”, “it doesn’t always work first time” etc, but emotionally, physically & mentally I was prepared & ready to make us a family - we poured all our heart & soul into it. It’s 2.30am and I’m lying here mourning our little embrobaby that we put all love into. I don’t care if people think it’s silly I’m acting this way. I wanted that baby so much, unlike most people at that stage of pregnancy we knew it existed & was trying to be part of us. So when you know it hasn’t worked it’s crushing because you’ve been there ever step of the way. Every needle jab, every scan, every procedure, legs in stirrups & then watching as it shoots across the screen into a nest you’ve tried to make perfect for them. I stood in the shower yesterday, sobbing, and just told it “thank you for trying and sorry it couldn’t be in our family”. We have one more frozen round free on the NHS so once I’ve finished bleeding We need to go back in to discuss what we want to do and when.

I’m exhausted, drained & my hope has been dampened, but I know we will do it again & again to get what we both want more than anything. Steven has been amazing & is also hurt & upset by this. Feeling helpless with not being able to do the physical side of IVF it’s hard but it doesn’t hurt any less for him. This is obviously the hardest part of IVF. You want to be positive all the way through & you’re full of emotions & hormones and doubts but at the end of the day how upset we are shows how much we want this to happen and I hope it makes us stronger. To say it’s not put me off it would be a lie but we will get there & I’m determined to be a mum and Steven a dad (he would be the most incredible dad ever btw. The funniest & loving dad.) so the next round round will happen. #ivf