A Sick bowl makes a good hat

At 6am on 23rd January, I went in to a private hospital in London for my Laparoscopy.

My partner, Steven, sat patiently with me flicking through boring very early TV, while I put on the gorgeous gown, sexy deep vein socks and the most glamorous of all clothing items and the ultimate aphrodisiac of all, the netted pants!

The wait for the surgery had begun.

Waiting for this was the most nerve-wracking thing I have ever had to do, I could not predict what I would feel like beforehand or what I was going to go through after and that was petrifying.

They planned to go in and do a dye-based procedure as well which is a fertility test

For me, the most important thing was the fertility side of things. I have always thought I would never be able to have children, for some strange reason. It was like a strange dream where I just knew I was infertile and it would not happen. With that, seeing if my ovaries and tubes were in a bad way was paramount!

We did not have to twiddle our thumbs for long. I was soon collected by a tiny nurse and walked down to surgery, carrying a pillow and with my sexually arousing netted pants flashing everyone who passed behind me (thank god it was early and quiet in the corridors).

I can only

Describe the next stage, as being used, as a pincushion with two very painful attempts to get a line in, by who I believe, was trainee. I was out for the count in true sloth style while trying to make an awkward moment a bit lighter.

2.5 hours flew by.

I heard myself groaning and a grumpy nurse asked what was wrong due to me making strange noises. Sadly I was so out of it and did not have the ability or the strength to tell her "funnily enough LOVE, but I've just had surgery and been fondled internally and strangely it bloody hurts you old cow!"

Suddenly my knight in shining armour came in to my rescue and kindly and softly offered me the best thing ever- MORPHINE! Oh.... sweet morphine...you are amazing.

After thanking the angel with the drugs about 20 million times, my first words and thought was to call Steven and get him there.....Oh, and to give me my glasses as I was blind as a new born mole!!

I do not really remember Steven arriving. One minute I was asleep, then he was there shoving a straw in my mouth and like a demanding Nazi instructing me to “DRINK”. The nurses had instructed him to make me keep drinking to help wear the anaesthetic off quicker.

One thing they do not warn you about is that your bladder will fail to work as its numb so before i could go I had to full pee.... Mission accepted. High, full of water and randomly sleeping, this wasnt an easy task.

As my doctor had to zoom off to another appointment, I was told over the phone (and let me remind you I was beyond high as a kite) "all went well as could be expected." I didn't really listen to be honest; all I kept doing was falling asleep and then giggling supposedly. (As you can see on the below Instagram message)

After coming round a bit more I started to feel the pain and realise the extent of the work they did, this then led to the worst thing for me- being really sick.

Poor Steven saw more of me that day than I think he ever wants too see again but he was truly amazing.

Finally at 8.30pm there was a "release" and I was able to get in the car and be driven home to my parents my the super Steven.

The car journey was me in and out of my morphine coma with my head falling forward into a cardboard sick bowl. At least I gave Steven entertainment for the journey!

Before I knew it I was at my parents where I was to recover for a week (having 2 dogs who jump over me constantly wasn't the best idea to be around really). When I saw my mum and dad I burst into tears in pain but also relief of relaxing and familiarity. I was helped up the stairs and put to bed, where after a few more puking sessions I could lie and try to get over the drugs. I wish I could say I was able to sleep but I basically inhaled the same amount of water that took the Titanic down and was to become firm friends with my parents lavatory for the remainder of the evening/ early morning.

Such fun!