3rd time lucky. Right?

It’s confirmed. Everything seems good enough internally to go on with our 3rd round of trying to start a family.

I finally got my pelvic scan results and even though this is all positive I’m really struggling. Yes it was a scan to confirm all was groovy to go forward but also to see if it had done any damage to me internally. I’d be 6 months pregnant now and it hurts to be reminded of what we did.

I’m totally petrified about starting again if I’m honest.

• What if that was my only success?

• What if I have genetic issues again?

• What if it was fluke?

• I seem to have such bad luck, what if I’m never a mum?

My head is swirling and I can’t let anyone see how sad and scared I am. I throw on the veil of smiles and positivity and try move through the day and I think this is how it will be for awhile.

I keep dreaming that I muck up this next round and waste money or I’ve had one where they tell me I’ll never have a baby and she was our only go.

This IVF/pregnancy year has been like a bad dream where you have to relive it over and over and I am actually going to have to do this very soon. Reliving the whole thing with Needles, meds, constant internals and scans. Emotions all over the place, mood swings, fear, excitement, anxiety and then all this time holding back excitement of “what if this works!??” As I don’t want to jinx it or get my hopes up again. Even then I’ll live in fear until im in my 3rd trimester as I’ll worry something will go wrong.

Our last fresh cycle ended in a BFN (big fat negative) so I don’t have much faith in this round if I’m honest. It feels like a process to just get the eggs we need for a FET (Frozen embryo transfer).

So, let the journey begin anyway and let’s see where we get to with this round.

Bring on the needles, suppositories and the bathroom runs. I’ll enjoy my hot showers and hot water bottles while I can before I have to try and convince my embrobaby to stick through the power of.... nothing.... Hope and prayers I guess.

H x

Turner Syndrome- explained.

I have had a lot of people say they don't know about Turner Syndrome or have never heard of it. So I have found this artical online that was really helpful for us to understand.

Turner syndrome, a condition that affects only females, results when one of the X chromosomes (sex chromosomes) is missing or partially missing.

Turner syndrome can cause a variety of medical and developmental problems, including short height, failure of the ovaries to develop and heart defects.

Turner syndrome may be diagnosed before birth (prenatally), during infancy or in early childhood. Occasionally, in females with mild signs and symptoms of Turner syndrome, the diagnosis is delayed until the teen or young adult years.

Girls and women with Turner syndrome need ongoing medical care from a variety of specialists. Regular checkups and appropriate care can help most girls and women lead healthy, independent lives.

Symptoms

Signs and symptoms of Turner syndrome may vary among girls and women with the disorder. For some girls, the presence of Turner syndrome may not be readily apparent, but in other girls, a number of physical features and poor growth are apparent early. Signs and symptoms can be subtle, developing slowly over time, or significant, such as heart defects.

Before birth

Turner syndrome may be suspected prenatally based on prenatal cell-free DNA screening ― a method to screen for certain chromosomal abnormalities in a developing baby using a blood sample from the mother ― or prenatal ultrasound. Prenatal ultrasound of a baby with Turner syndrome may show:

· Large fluid collection on the back of the neck or other abnormal fluid collections (edema)

· Heart abnormalities

· Abnormal kidneys

At birth or during infancy

Signs of Turner syndrome at birth or during infancy may include:

· Wide or weblike neck

· Low-set ears

· Broad chest with widely spaced nipples

· High, narrow roof of the mouth (palate)

· Arms that turn outward at the elbows

· Fingernails and toenails that are narrow and turned upward

· Swelling of the hands and feet, especially at birth

· Slightly smaller than average height at birth

· Slowed growth

· Cardiac defects

· Low hairline at the back of the head

· Receding or small lower jaw

· Short fingers and toes

In childhood, teens and adulthood

The most common signs in almost all girls, teenagers and young women with Turner syndrome are short stature and ovarian insufficiency due to ovarian failure that may have occurred by birth or gradually during childhood, the teen years or young adulthood. Signs and symptoms of these include:

· Slowed growth

· No growth spurts at expected times in childhood

· Adult height significantly less than might be expected for a female member of the family

· Failure to begin sexual changes expected during puberty

· Sexual development that "stalls" during teenage years

· Early end to menstrual cycles not due to pregnancy

· For most women with Turner syndrome, inability to conceive a child without fertility treatment

When to see a doctor

Sometimes it's difficult to distinguish the signs and symptoms of Turner syndrome from other disorders. It's important to get a prompt, accurate diagnosis and appropriate care. See your doctor if you have concerns about physical or sexual development.

Causes

Most people are born with two sex chromosomes. Boys inherit the X chromosome from their mothers and the Y chromosome from their fathers. Girls inherit one X chromosome from each parent. In girls who have Turner syndrome, one copy of the X chromosome is missing, partially missing or altered.

The genetic alterations of Turner syndrome may be one of the following:

· Monosomy. The complete absence of an X chromosome generally occurs because of an error in the father's sperm or in the mother's egg. This results in every cell in the body having only one X chromosome.

· Mosaicism. In some cases, an error occurs in cell division during early stages of fetal development. This results in some cells in the body having two complete copies of the X chromosome. Other cells have only one copy of the X chromosome.

· X chromosome abnormalities. Abnormal or missing parts of one of the X chromosomes can occur. Cells have one complete and one altered copy. This error can occur in the sperm or egg with all cells having one complete and one altered copy. Or the error can occur in cell division in early fetal development so that only some cells contain the abnormal or missing parts of one of the X chromosomes (mosaicism).

· Y chromosome material. In a small percentage of Turner syndrome cases, some cells have one copy of the X chromosome and other cells have one copy of the X chromosome and some Y chromosome material. These individuals develop biologically as female, but the presence of Y chromosome material increases the risk of developing a type of cancer called gonadoblastoma.

Effect of the chromosomal errors

The missing or altered X chromosome of Turner syndrome causes errors during fetal development and other developmental problems after birth — for example, short stature, ovarian insufficiency and heart defects. Physical characteristics and health complications that arise from the chromosomal error vary greatly.

Risk factors

The loss or alteration of the X chromosome occurs randomly. Sometimes, it's because of a problem with the sperm or the egg, and other times, the loss or alteration of the X chromosome happens early in fetal development.

Family history doesn't seem to be a risk factor, so it's unlikely that parents of one child with Turner syndrome will have another child with the disorder.

Complications

Turner syndrome can affect the proper development of several body systems, but varies greatly among individuals with the syndrome. Complications that can occur include:

· Heart problems. Many infants with Turner syndrome are born with heart defects or even slight abnormalities in heart structure that increase their risk of serious complications. Heart defects often include problems with the aorta, the large blood vessel that branches off the heart and delivers oxygen-rich blood to the body.

· High blood pressure. Women with Turner syndrome have an increased risk of high blood pressure — a condition that increases the risk of developing diseases of the heart and blood vessels.

· Hearing loss. Hearing loss is common with Turner syndrome. In some cases, this is due to the gradual loss of nerve function. An increased risk of frequent middle ear infections can also result in hearing loss.

· Vision problems. Girls with Turner syndrome have an increased risk of weak muscle control of eye movements (strabismus), nearsightedness and other vision problems.

· Kidney problems. Girls with Turner syndrome may have some malformation of the kidneys. Although these abnormalities generally don't cause medical problems, they may increase the risk of high blood pressure and urinary tract infections.

· Autoimmune disorders. Girls and women with Turner syndrome have an increased risk of an underactive thyroid (hypothyroidism) due to the autoimmune disorder Hashimoto's thyroiditis. They also have an increased risk of diabetes. Some women with Turner syndrome have gluten intolerance (celiac disease) or inflammatory bowel disease.

· Skeletal problems. Problems with the growth and development of bones increase the risk of abnormal curvature of the spine (scoliosis) and forward rounding of the upper back (kyphosis). Women with Turner syndrome are also at increased risk of developing weak, brittle bones (osteoporosis).

· Learning disabilities. Girls and women with Turner syndrome usually have normal intelligence. However, there is increased risk of learning disabilities, particularly with learning that involves spatial concepts, math, memory and attention.

· Mental health issues. Girls and women with Turner syndrome may have difficulties functioning well in social situations and have an increased risk of attention-deficit/hyperactivity disorder (ADHD).

· Infertility. Most women with Turner syndrome are infertile. However, a very small number of women may become pregnant spontaneously, and some can become pregnant with fertility treatment.

Pregnancy complications. Because women with Turner syndrome are at increased risk of complications during pregnancy, such as high blood pressure and aortic dissection, they should be evaluated by a cardiologist before pregnancy.

Pins and needles

Consultation for our next round of IVF, since we lost Hope, is booked in. This time we’re having to fork out the money ourselves as we’ve used our 2 free NHS rounds.

So this is happening again... we’re going to do this!

We went in to talk about payment and cost, I honestly don’t know how the staff at fertility clinics don’t blush or get embarrassed when they hand you the pricing sheet. It’s insanely expensive and we‘re going to live of beans on toast and instant noodles (when I say we I obviously mean my darling man, as I have to stick to my pregnancy diet!) for a year to pay for it.

So many woman have to go through this each year in desperation for that one thing to make their family and themselves complete. As an infertile woman I already feel guilty, upset, frustration, jealousy, depression and, to be honest, the feeling of not being a complete woman due to not being able to produce a child. The one thing we spend our teenage years fearing will happen will now never appear without assistance, oh and £7000!!

The appointment is booked for end of August and many have asked “why so soon?”. One is with my endo as I’m on a clock with it growing back, and secondly, our fertility Clinic has offered us an option of a monthly payment plan of 0% finance if we booked immediately. They only gave this to us as a “gesture of good will” due to being with them before and because of the situation we’ve been told though. Now in my head I’m going “what a fucking bunch of smarmy nonsense and sales drivel. We should just go else where! how can they be so cold and business like about something so sensitive?” but in my desperation to be a mum and family brain I’m going, “they got us pregnant before, we know it here, they’re close to work so it can happen sooner and easier.” It’s a war in your head and on your emotions it’s another level. I feel sick with the price we’re having to pay and every day I’m counting my pennies and looking at our savings spreadsheet to see what we can putaway as we might get more than 1 egg and have to freeze and go again. The stress and different levels of worry and uncertainty IVF causes is hard to explain. We had it without paying before and it was enough stress to tear people apart but now we’re paying it’s even more petrifying.

I know each stage and health concern we are going to have to go through, like the back of my hand and knowing we’re having to do it all again puts a giant knot in my stomach. The injections, the hormones, flushes, temper rages, crying spells, sickness, fatigue, chances of OHSS after egg collection, the painful and constant internal scans (painful due to my endo). And then the final stage of transfer where you sit with your legs up, bladder painfully full and then they insert that one egg back in the hope that after the 2 most agonising and impatient weeks of your life you’ll pee on a stick and have 2 lines! In my two week waits I’ve dreamt of being knocked out for the time as it’s TORTURE!

I’ve got 7 days holiday left and that’s for the 2 week waiting time. Another down of IVF, you have to rest, stay calm and not do any lifting or running around. Working and IVF are not an easy mix as you are constantly having to lie to colleagues to why your out again and off at lunches (I constantly work through my lunch and there for people) which you use for scans and appointments. For something you need to be calm for, it’s a bugger for the worry. Sigh!

So let’s get the accupunture started, avocados and heat hot smoothies down the hatch and get Uterus ready for the full on poking and prodding to come. Hx