When farting is acceptable..

TMI WARNING GUYS!

Let me just say, I have never had wind like it until I had a laparoscopy! I was like a one man wind band!! ACCEPT IT GUYS, US LADIES LET OUT LOVE PUFFS!

Due to the gas they pumped into your stomach so they can explore you internally more, you end up recovering with pain in your shoulders and your sides where it has moved around your body trying to escape.

This is indescribable and makes it hard to lie flat, comfortably or laugh (my favorite thing!).

My advice and life saver- Peppermint tea.

Oh it’s a god send that little teabag and really helps "relieve the pressure".

Recovery was long and painful. I don't think i walked like myself for 2 weeks. I was a hobbling old woman.

A Sick bowl makes a good hat

At 6am on 23rd January, I went in to a private hospital in London for my Laparoscopy.

My partner, Steven, sat patiently with me flicking through boring very early TV, while I put on the gorgeous gown, sexy deep vein socks and the most glamorous of all clothing items and the ultimate aphrodisiac of all, the netted pants!

The wait for the surgery had begun.

Waiting for this was the most nerve-wracking thing I have ever had to do, I could not predict what I would feel like beforehand or what I was going to go through after and that was petrifying.

They planned to go in and do a dye-based procedure as well which is a fertility test

For me, the most important thing was the fertility side of things. I have always thought I would never be able to have children, for some strange reason. It was like a strange dream where I just knew I was infertile and it would not happen. With that, seeing if my ovaries and tubes were in a bad way was paramount!

We did not have to twiddle our thumbs for long. I was soon collected by a tiny nurse and walked down to surgery, carrying a pillow and with my sexually arousing netted pants flashing everyone who passed behind me (thank god it was early and quiet in the corridors).

I can only

Describe the next stage, as being used, as a pincushion with two very painful attempts to get a line in, by who I believe, was trainee. I was out for the count in true sloth style while trying to make an awkward moment a bit lighter.

2.5 hours flew by.

I heard myself groaning and a grumpy nurse asked what was wrong due to me making strange noises. Sadly I was so out of it and did not have the ability or the strength to tell her "funnily enough LOVE, but I've just had surgery and been fondled internally and strangely it bloody hurts you old cow!"

Suddenly my knight in shining armour came in to my rescue and kindly and softly offered me the best thing ever- MORPHINE! Oh.... sweet morphine...you are amazing.

After thanking the angel with the drugs about 20 million times, my first words and thought was to call Steven and get him there.....Oh, and to give me my glasses as I was blind as a new born mole!!

I do not really remember Steven arriving. One minute I was asleep, then he was there shoving a straw in my mouth and like a demanding Nazi instructing me to “DRINK”. The nurses had instructed him to make me keep drinking to help wear the anaesthetic off quicker.

One thing they do not warn you about is that your bladder will fail to work as its numb so before i could go I had to full pee.... Mission accepted. High, full of water and randomly sleeping, this wasnt an easy task.

As my doctor had to zoom off to another appointment, I was told over the phone (and let me remind you I was beyond high as a kite) "all went well as could be expected." I didn't really listen to be honest; all I kept doing was falling asleep and then giggling supposedly. (As you can see on the below Instagram message)

After coming round a bit more I started to feel the pain and realise the extent of the work they did, this then led to the worst thing for me- being really sick.

Poor Steven saw more of me that day than I think he ever wants too see again but he was truly amazing.

Finally at 8.30pm there was a "release" and I was able to get in the car and be driven home to my parents my the super Steven.

The car journey was me in and out of my morphine coma with my head falling forward into a cardboard sick bowl. At least I gave Steven entertainment for the journey!

Before I knew it I was at my parents where I was to recover for a week (having 2 dogs who jump over me constantly wasn't the best idea to be around really). When I saw my mum and dad I burst into tears in pain but also relief of relaxing and familiarity. I was helped up the stairs and put to bed, where after a few more puking sessions I could lie and try to get over the drugs. I wish I could say I was able to sleep but I basically inhaled the same amount of water that took the Titanic down and was to become firm friends with my parents lavatory for the remainder of the evening/ early morning.

Such fun!

What the frick is wrong with me?!

One amazingly hot and glorious morning in June 2017 I woke up ready to setup the flat for my partner, Steven's, birthday.

Presents were ready and wrapped in typically offensive paper, banner was up and breakie was served. We had big plans for the day and I was prepared to go Victoria Park for a big picnic I had packed and planned in the sun. All morning I had felt a bit "squiffy". That sort of feeling where you are wondering if you bend over will you poop yourself or if you walk anywhere will you throw up like something out of an 80's horror film. Now, I should mention, I was on my period at this time, so presumed it was just the first day PMS I was used to but made worse from the heat. In waves, it came and went but as it was his day and I love making an effort and something special, I cracked on and ignored it all.

After presents were destroyed and food was inhaled, it was time to head out.

Suddenly it became too much and...well...( I think we should get used to that fact this blog will be full of TMI )......I was very ill and couldn't get off the porcelain thrown! Constantly running back and forth. When I say running, I mean I was hunched over hobbling like a little old woman and unable to stand up straight due to excruciating pain raging through my torso. I was in agony, sweating buckets and bleeding so much I was feeling faint and unable to rise from the sofa. We managed to get out, do as planned but it took the fun from the day, and constantly flooding every 15 mins was not a highlight either.

In the evening, after a meal with Steven’s friends they all wanted to go out celebrating more, sadly I was so tired and in pain, I couldn’t think or move and had to go home. This one thing happened regularly. I was the “Party pooper”.

For the next 2 weeks, I was poorly. Cramps, sickness, fatigue, and constant flooding. I was an emotional mess and completely confused to what was going on. Honestly, I was scared.

I booked an emergency doctor’s appointment and was told I needed an internal scan as soon as possible. Obviously with the UK NHS, straight away meant a wait but when that date came a month later in July it was a relief.

As I lay on the scanning table I had no idea what the outcome was going to be but my brain decided it would go full throttle with what it could be. Due to cancerous cells found in previous smears, this was constantly going through my mind that the big C was going to come up instantly. This was not the case.

The Doctor doing the scan told me that she couldn't see anything, there was no sign of cancer, scars, or endometriosis (which I had really never heard of or knew of.) I walked away happy and relieved and it didn’t really enter my head again.

August came and I chased my doctor as I had forgotten I had results to get really. Supposedly the results had been in a while and I was supposed to call (I was never told anything) and they needed to see me urgently.

I sat with a trainee GP and her senior behind her observing. She started by explaining that in actual fact I do have endometriosis but it was only over my left ovary. The endometriosis was pulling it down and attached to the side of my uterus. When I asked what we do from here, they handed me a crappy printed out leaflet, put me on the mini pill and showed me the door.

I carried on like normal with things not getting better. The pain got worse, and I was off work more and more during my cycle and like I explained to them I would do and why I didn’t like the pill, I spotted and bled throughout the month and had to return to the GP and find out what was happening.

Thank god, I got a different and the most amazing GP. He booked me in immediately to have a further scan and to investigate more.

At the 2nd scan my new gynaecology doctor was shocked instantly from looking at the screen. He explained that the information they had given me was incorrect and turned out, from instantly seeing the ultra sound screen, that it was far worse than they said. It turned out I was completely covered!

Both ovaries were pulled down to the side of my uterus and the only way to know if this was worse or on my bladder/bowel was to have a Laparoscopy.

"I’ve been wondering whether to post something for a while due to the nature of it but, f*** it- here we go! So I want to introduce someone to you, this is my little tummy buddy....“Endo belly” (how many of you thought I was gonna say baby when you first saw the pic!? Haha- Steven get up off the floor!) In August I was diagnosed with endometriosis. I’ve not been well with “something” for quite a while and it was only when I couldn’t walk due to pain, nearly fainting, being sick and was brought to tears that the doc took me seriously. Sadly this has now started to make me look 🤰 and feel pants at the end of most days where my pelvis is killing me, I feel sick and exhausted. I’m now booked in to have this removed and explore how bad it is. The more I’m reading about it the more I’m shocked at how little people know. So I thought I’d say something and share my endo journey. •It takes an average of 7.5 years for a woman to get diagnosed. •1 in 10 women of reproductive age in the UK suffer from endometriosis. •10% of women world wide have it - that's 176 million worldwide!!•Endometriosis is the second most common gynaecological condition in the UK and is a chronic pain condition with no cure. Not enough women know what it is and what the signs are. Its almost taboo possible due to it regarding a woman’s reproductive area (boys I’m talking about the “lady garden”, “growler”, “wizard sleeve” what ever you call it if that makes it easier for you?!). I’m not surprised men hardly know it as we all know how they react when you say “Period” or “heavy flow”, they go all squeamish and cover their ears and some go floppy like a puppet who’s had their strings cut. So what is endo? In simple terms it’s when your lining of your uterus grows outside of your uterus and on other organs. It can grow on your ovaries, bowel, bladder and even your lungs and eyes!! (Men can even get it if they’ve had chemo and hormones!) Symptoms of Endo include: •Fatigue •Painful pelvic area •Painful and heavy periods •Pain when urinating, during/after sex. •Sickness and many more. If you have any concerns go see Your GP or go to the endometriosis UK website." #endometriosis #chronicillness #speakENDO