All you need is Hope

It’s been 3 months since we lost our baby.

As I sit on this train typing, people sit around me putting on their daily makeup, reading papers or snoring, I can feel the tears prickling behind my eyes and there's that very familiar lump in my throat.  I grit my teeth and hold my breath to keep the water works at bay ( I do this weird thing where i suck on my tongue to stop it coming too.....doesnt always work). This is a daily norm for me now. It’s getting better and easier day by day- people are right it does get easier, But doesn’t mean it hurts any less.

Back in May this year, we were due to go for our 12 week scan- The scan that afterwards you can happily tell everyone and the world you are going to be parents.

We excitedly went to a private scanning company, that just happened to be in our village, to see baby F and see how they had grown etc. (This is something I’ll always hold as one Of the most heartbreaking days of my life.) Going in we were excited, chatty and basically like kids at Christmas. Little did we know it was all going to change and crash around us.

As I lay there and saw our baby F mooning us and being just like Steven, stubborn and refusing to move, we giggled and laughed at the fingers, toes and how it was a fidget, not noticing the scanners silence and concern growing.

Once he has got the view he was after, he finally spoke and informed us that baby had significant fluid round it’s head and neck and this wasn’t a good thing, we should be prepared for bad news at our NHS scan on the Thursday. That’s when my world broke into pieces.

What followed for the next two weeks was a Blur, full of painful genetic testing- where they stabbed me with a large and thick needle repeatly to get to the placenta and baby and scans messuring the fluid growth (which was doubling nearly daily). The sleepless nights and worrying “what if's” really got to both Steven and I and as we are planners, organised and like to know what is going to happen, this was hell.

After what felt like a month, the results came in and we discovered, firstly, that our baby was a girl and secondly, that she sadly had advanced Turner Syndrome and a poorly developed heart and wouldn't make it to birth.

I was just on the cusp of 15 weeks and we had to now make the hardest decision we have ever faced.

We could either A- see how long she carried on until and then give birth to her or B- Have a surgical termination to let her go. Unfortunately if we didn’t give our answer within 24 hours and book a termination for 2 days time I would have to give birth to her and be conscious through out. So, we talked and decided that waiting would be too much for us both to cope with and that surgery would be best.

17th May 2019, we went to say goodbye to our girl.

We were put in a ward with all the girls who were terminating their unwanted pregnancies. So while we lay there, tears streaming silently down my face, holding my bump just trying to say goodbye and get every last second with her in my memory, we could hear teenage girls moaning/swearing and shouting about the pain from the pessary they give you (to open your cervix and help the process happen easier) or the fact they hadn’t eaten in 12 hours and were in pain from that as well. Two of them even knew each other!! Laughing and joking about never having sex again and why they don’t use birth control of any type. It took every inch of strength not to jump up and storm over there and explain, not all of us are lucky enough to fall pregnant and some of us wanted and want their baby more than life itself!

Thankfully i was first on the list and I was wheeled into theatre. I said goodbye to Steven and heard him tell the nurses to look after me. As I lay there, waiting to be put under, I just held my stomach and closed my eyes. I told Baby F, that I loved her more than anything I had before, that we didn't want her in pain anymore, that mummy and daddy want her so much, but she’s going to go be with her Great grandparents and be our angel baby.

Suddenly I heard the anaesthetist make a tut and sad “Ohhh” sound and then I felt her hand on mine as she said “I’ve just read why you’re here and I’m so sorry.” The tears came and I sobbed. After trying to stop and gather my last bit of strength for Baby F, she said, "I wish I could do something to help.." and I just replied, "Please just knock me out".

When I came round I was in recovery. I had lost almost 2 litres of blood during the procedure and my blood pressure was very low. I was monitored for quite a long time before going through to the ward. Steven was called back and I waited patiently for him to come, he was the only person I wanted there and to see. When he arrived the doctors where discussing my situation and due to being weak, bleeding and previously having an infection due to the tests, it was decided I would stay over night.

Steven had been my rock and so strong over the weeks before and held it together in front of me always. But at that moment I saw his worry, stress and upset come out and it wasn't through tears or saddness but it was shown through frustration and even some anger. We had a little disagreement over some slippers or a bag he brought, i ant remember really I just know it was silly and small, and I just knew that really wasn't what he was upset about.

Its not easy for the male in the relationship and when you go through IVF or pregnancy. I got all the "Aww you ok" and "Were so sorry." from people and it was slightly upsetting as there was someone else just as effected.

WE lost a baby it wasn't just me it was US. He was probably feeling out of control, lost and had that feeling of uselessness as it wasnt going on in him but it was going on in front of him and to someone he loves. He did so much for me and it really has made us so much stronger and made me love him more than I ever thought I could. He is just the most amazing, caring man, I just want to protect and love him forever.

My experience in hospital after this point wasnt the best. Lots of fighting for antibiotics and to be seen by a specialist due to temperatures etc. They shut me in a private room due to the crying and subject of my surgery. To be honest it was a bit of a nightmare and I dont really want to go over it all again as it was just such a sad and lonely night. Best forgotten.

So what now?

Well its been just over 2 months and its been tough. I was asked to go back to work sooner than I should have, due to issues in the office, and I have been suffering with pains and discomfort (My doctors are not good so its been a constant battle.) but we are getting through and feel stronger for what has happened.

We've had genentic testing and the resultsmeeting was very emotional, as we were told it wasnt our fault or the IVF, so a weight off our minds. Sadly it happens at conception and we had a 1 in 2000 chance and it was just bad luck. We won't have this happen again hopefully and we are both genetically fine (not related thank god!).

We've been to our Fertility Clinic and we have had the talk of when to start again. People say to rest and give yourself time, but sadly time is against us with my endo threatening to return and causing more difficulties to fall and also Im 38 next year and I dont want to be seen as an "Old mum".

Life has proven to be challenging for us over the last 2 years and it's tested us as a couple but we won and grew stronger through this negative experience.

We do both agree that we will never fully think we did the right thing, having the termination, and will have to live with that for the rest of our lives but thats just because we loved her from the go. Sadly we didnt get to meet our Daughter, who we named "Hope", but I know shes here with me and we have honoured her in many ways and I will always think of her everyday. xxx

Baby Fairman's 2nd portrait

Here it is! Our offical 6 week scan and baby portrait.

Say cheese Little Jelly bean- 6 weeks portrait.

Little Fairman has caused quite a scare over the last 3 weeks. I started bleeding quite badly on our 4 week, just days after our confirmation of a positive test. I took time off and after emergency scans and prodding they confirmed it wasn't a miscarriage and nothing they could fine.

They also found a friend to keep Baby F company- a giant ovarian cyst. I havent got a picture of this but it was massive. I was having really bad cramping and wasnt able to move from it and when they were investigating the bleeds they came across this giant fella. He was about 4inches in size when it was first messured and then 3 inches at the clinics 6 week scan.

I had a follow up at The Princess Alexandra hospital yesterday and all seems well. The cyst has shrunk and seems to be due to my hormones that I am currently taking. I have been advised to continue these until our 12th week and slowly come off them.

8 weeks and starting to take shape. The sixe of a cola bottle sweetie.

So IVf was successful?! Brilliant here'a treat you might not know about...

So you've had IVF and you have been amazingly lucky and its been successful? Well here is something they don't tell you in the brochures.

Just before you have your transfer you could have to start taking 3x estrogen tablets and, if like me, 3x pessaries of progestrogene a day. This is to help to keep a period at bay and control your ovaries and then to keep the Uterus healthy and baby ready. It also helps afterwards to support the baby until the placenta has fully developed up until around 12 weeks.

That's right people you have to shove things up the lady garden 3x a day for 12+ weeks!

Now, this is difficult subject to discuss with some people, but I am not one of those people and I will now tell you of my glorious experience.

Something goes up, well its must then come down? Correct.

So most ladies think that sticking your legs in the air and lying down is the way to go, well... yes this works but it will eventually and inevitably come out. And my god, does it! Panty liners are you friends for life with this.

BUT you might be like me and you work a job where you are called to welcome guests or make tea/coffees or grab some work etc very last min or generally on your feet running around all day.

So 11am comes along, you go to the loo, do the business of inserting your buddy. Well, where do you then go to keep this in? Well if you are like me you try to be an acrobat and bend in strange ways to keep some of it there!

"Oh sure I am perfectly comfortable contorted like this"

SO... I went to the clinic and with this issue in mind I had also become very annoyed "down there" so I was told the next best thing for me was....SUPPOSITORIES!!

Oh. Dear. God.

Well..... where to do I begin? I dont think I have any dignity left.

I offically have lost all fear of the untalkable. Everything is fine subject to discuss. I have had every orifice poked prodded and inserted into. (Yep, I feel queezy too.)

BUT these bad boys are great, they dont come out (if you just take a moment and ignore the "excuse me, I need to be escape" feeling, it goes quickly), they are quick, you dont have to really lie down after and they dont leak.... or so I thought.

This brings me to a small warning- Never trust a bottom trump.

Thats right my friends;

1- these make a lady hella gassy.

2- if you think its safe.... it really isnt.

So you thought a burp was safe- no its isn't anymore with nausea and then you thought the other end was too- no it isnt. NO EXIT IS SAFE!!!!

My advice for both pessaries and suppositiories for pregancy and IVF in general- ALWAYS HAVE 2 SPARE PAIRS OF PANTS IN YOUR BAG.

We go through so much with getting a family and your dignity might feel its gone down the loo with your breakfast but my other peice of advice, laugh about it. Don't be embarassed its not easy, especially when you are following a million phone alarms to insert or swallow things, eat the right foods and trying not to vomit at the smell of your once loved marmite on toast (lets not even discuss this sad topic).

H x